Ken’s question inspired me to think of how I would answer.

Here are ten ways that I encourage my coaching clients.

1. Encourage by believing in the client.

Before we focus on the client, we must first be clear about our own mindset and beliefs about our client. If you don’t believe that your client has the ability and the resources to achieve her goals, you will not be able to encourage (literally, “to put courage into”) her.

Belief in the client undergirds one of International Coaching Federation’s (ICF) core competencies: co-creating the coaching relationship. We encourage clients by establishing a safe and supportive environment that produces ongoing mutual respect and trust.

2. Encourage by paying full attention to the client.

We encourage clients by paying our full attention to them. 

One way to do that is by active listening. The ICF defines active listening as “the ability to focus completely on what the client is saying and is not saying, to understand the meaning of what is said in the context of the client’s desires, and to support client self-expression.” 

Nothing encourages a client more than the experience of being heard and understood.

I currently have a client who just wants me to listen and give feedback on some ideas and concerns that he’s been wrestling with for a long time. He hasn’t been able to find someone who would do that with him without judging. He is encouraged that he now has a thinking partner.

3. Encourage by helping clients reach their goals.

Being heard and understood can be greatly encouraging during a coaching conversation. 

However, clients experience sustained encouragement when they reach their goals. People don’t buy coaching, they buy results. When clients achieve their desired results, they are encouraged!

4. Encourage by reframing “failures” into opportunities for learning.

Sometimes our clients fall short of their goals. In these cases, we can encourage our clients by exploring with them ways that they can shift their viewpoint in order to find new meaning, new awareness, and/or new possibilities for action.

Maneet Chauhan once wrote: “There are no failures in life: only learning opportunities.” This wise maxim has encouraged me whenever I fail to reach one of my goals. Instead of being stuck with negative thoughts about myself, I’m invited to shift my mindset to become curious about how I might learn from the experience in order to achieve success later on.

5. Encourage by exploring opportunities hidden within challenges.

Another way to encourage clients is to help them see opportunities hidden within challenges and obstacles. Sometimes, when clients are stuck trying to get through an obstacle, the mere exploration of ways “around,” “under” or “over” that obstacle can be a heartening exercise. 

Other times, an obstacle along a path can stimulate an exploration of totally different paths and possibilities that are more life-giving and fulfilling for the client.

6. Encourage by identifying courageous actions.

Many times, merely naming the courageous actions that the client has taken or is choosing to take is encouragement. Anyone who invests in coaching is already courageous because it requires a willingness to change and grow. Helping your clients to see themselves as courageous can empower them to follow through on their action plans and achieve their goals.

A client of mine is in a conflictual environment at work. She’s wired in such a way that tempts her to hide rather than to show up fully in her work. In the midst of our coaching conversation, it was evident that she was showing up fully, despite feelings of anxiety and a racing heart rate. I commented to her: “May I suggest that your anxiety and heart rate are ways that your body is reminding you that you are being courageous?” After a moment of silence, she responded, “Yes! I AM courageous!”

7. Encourage by celebrating victories.

Identifying and celebrating wins are sure ways to encourage and invigorate our clients. I’ve found that many clients tend to focus on problems, obstacles, and failures. Naming victories and identifying accomplished goals can have a powerful impact to cheer and uplift a client.

In a later conversation with my client in the conflictual environment, she was able to report and celebrate the increasing number of times that she was able to stand up for herself. Each time, you can hear the joy and pride in her voice.

8. Encourage by helping clients to identify and recruit cheerleaders.

Another way to encourage clients is to help them find others who can cheer them on and provide positive accountability. Helping a client find a supportive community is an effective way to support the client’s progress.

9. Encourage by reminding how far the client has progressed.

One of the joys of being in a long-term coaching relationship is seeing the progress a client has made in his goals. In those relationships, whenever a client feels a bit down about a current challenge, I often remind him how far he has progressed since the beginning of our work together. The ability to step back and consider the coaching journey with the “long view” allows the client to see the current challenge in its proper perspective.

10. Encourage by sharing what you’ve learned from the client.

At the end of the call, I sometimes thank the client for the insights or lessons I gained during the call. I find this to be encouraging to many clients because it underscores the fact that mutual partnership is at the heart of coaching. The client is the expert on his or her life, and the coach can learn a lot from the client’s expertise and insights.

So these are ten ways I encourage my coaching clients.

But wait! There’s more!

These ten ways are also effective and applicable to other relationships. Just substitute the word “client(s)” with “child,” “fellow worker,” or “spouse.”

I’ve used all these ten ways to encourage my wife, my children, my friends, and my colleagues. And they work!

What has been your experience?

What would you add to this list?

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One coach replied how she loved watching the light bulb go off in her clients as they gain new insights and learning.

Another coach replied how he loved helping clients get unstuck and achieve their goals.

The next coach shared how she loved empowering clients to embrace their strengths and gain confidence in their skills.

I value all those experiences, but when it came my turn to share, I answered, “What I love about being a coach is what it does to me.”

I then briefly elaborated on my answer, but after that call, I kept thinking more about the benefits of coaching for me.

Benefit 1 – A better listener

One of the benefits of coaching, among many things, is how it has helped me become a better listener…not just with my clients, but in all my relationships.

In the past, when I was in conversation with others, I’ve often listened more to my own inner dialogue than the words or the intent of my conversation partner.

For example, when a church member expressed disagreement with my sermon, what I heard was not a desire from this member to share her understanding of a scripture passage. What I “heard” was my own internal voice telling me how that person was always so “critical.”

Being a coach has helped me to be still and to lower the volume of my internal chatter so that I can be more fully present to God and to others. As a coach, I’m constantly reminded by the words of Psalm 46:10, when God says, “Be still and know that I am God.” In doing so, I’ve found that I connect with God with greater trust and intimacy, and that people connect with me with greater trust and intimacy.

Benefit 2 – Less judgmental

In the past, I’ve often listened in order to evaluate or scrutinize arguments. That’s a consequence of my graduate school training. But I’ve discovered that people didn’t appreciate me treating every conversation as a dissertation defense!

Being a coach has helped me not to be so attached to my assumptions and my own agenda. The coaching skills of allowing my clients to vent or “clear” the situation without judgment or attachment have come in very handy in non-coaching situations.

When my wife comes home from a difficult day at work and just needs time to process outwardly and decompress, I’m more able to let her talk without stepping in to problem-solve. That has also kept me out of her doghouse!

In other situations, not jumping to conclusions has helped me to become more curious about people whose beliefs, actions, worldviews, religion, and life experiences are very different than mine.

While there is a place and a time for judgment and critique, I’m surprised that those times and places are often fewer than I think. Another benefit of coaching for me is the release of the burden of having to judge and diagnose others and leaving ultimate judgment to God.

Benefit 3 – Less advice, more questions

When I was a pastor, I found some church members wanted me to tell them what to think and believe. Some wanted me to give them advice about how to solve their problems. And I was more than happy to oblige. However, I discovered that many who asked for my advice ignored my sage answers! I also discovered that I became more invested in solving their problems than they were themselves!

A big benefit of being a coach is the training that helped to unhook me from thinking that I’m responsible for being the “answer man” and for fixing other people’s problems. I became a better pastor by being less “helpful” in answering or solving my parishioners’ problems and more humble by asking good questions that stimulated their thinking and their problem-solving skills.

As a pastor, I believe this coach-approach to be more aligned with the doctrine of “the priesthood of all believers.” Furthermore, being a coach is saving me from my “savior complex.” I’m trying to live more fully in the truth that “There’s only one Savior, and I’m not He!”

Benefit 4 – Seeing the strengths of others

Lastly, the most important benefit I’ve gained as a coach is a growing capacity to focus on strength instead of weakness in everyone that I meet.

This benefit has become increasingly important in my current work with faith leaders in Charlottesville to address racial injustice and inequity.

Our society often labels a whole race of people as dangerous, lazy, unmotivated, and inferior to other groups of people. That mindset focuses on their supposed weaknesses instead of strengths and assumes disability instead of ability.

According to Professor Ibram X. Kendi, in order to truly address racial injustice and inequity, one must believe that the races are equal. One must also address the roots of inequity in power and policies instead of blaming people groups who are suffering as inferior and broken.

Being a coach has helped me to see each individual and people group as filled with enough insight, strength, resources, and resiliency to face their challenges and to reach their goals.

In other words, being a coach has helped me see each individual as a person beautifully and wonderfully created in the image of God.

Being a coach reminds me that while we all need a Savior, I am not the savior.

Being a coach reminds me to let God be the ultimate judge so that I can be fully present and connect with others with greater trust and intimacy.

These are the benefits of being a coach that I cherish . . . even when I’m not coaching a client.

This post was originally published at the Coach Approach Ministries blog.

A desire for deeper connection with family members, friends, and co-workers seems to be one of the continuing challenges we face today.

Have you been in conversations where people aren’t listening to each other? Instead, they talk past one another, interrupting and blaming one other, imputing nefarious motives upon the words and actions of others?

Instead of connection and mutual understanding, these conversations become a battleground that leaves participants more disconnected, hostile and entrenched against the other.

How can we begin to get past that impasse?

When I began my coaching training, my teachers offered the acronym “WAIT” to help us stay connected with our clients in our conversations.

In the coaching world, the acronym “WAIT” stands for “What Am I Talking?” It reminds coaches to stay silent, to keep listening, and to ask ourselves why we are interrupting our clients.

I believe the acronym “WAIT” can help not only coaches, but anyone wanting to build a deeper connection with others in any conversation.

WAIT to ask yourself, “Why Am I Talking?”

When you’re having a conversation with someone, and you feel a sudden need to jump in and interrupt, it can be helpful to ask yourself to WAIT: “Why Am I Talking”?

• Is it because the other person reminded me of an experience that I feel compelled to share? Or is it because I want to encourage the other person to share more deeply about their experience?
• Is it because I have advice that I can’t wait to tell? Or is it because I’m curious to learn what lesson or advice they could give?
• Is it because I want to correct some thinking or feeling in the other person that I judge to be “wrong”? Or is it because I want to understand exactly what thoughts or feelings they are experiencing.
• how will my words contribute to the deepening of connection with my conversational partner? Or might the quality of the connection be enhanced if I remain silent and focus on listening instead?

When conversations are enhanced by us “WAIT”-ing, we start building connection and trust.

WAIT to ask yourself, “What Am I Thinking?”

Raj Gill, a professional coach and a certified trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, identifies additional interpretations for “WAIT.”[1]

The first is “What Am I Thinking?”

In the midst of conversations, there are times when certain words or ideas “push our buttons” and trigger a reactive emotional response within us. During those times, it is helpful to ask yourself to “WAIT”: what am I thinking about the other person and this situation?

This kind of “thinking” is often a judgment based on an interpretation of our limited observation of a situation.

I’m part of a group that meets once a year. Over the past several years, at our annual gatherings, one member of the group has always been late to our morning sessions. Tardiness is a pet peeve of mine. It is tempting for me to think of (and judge) this tardy member as irresponsible and disrespectful to the rest of us who are on time.

One time I mentioned to him: “I noticed that the last several years, you have been late to our morning sessions. I hope things are OK. We missed you during those times.”

This member told me mornings are very hard for him, and it takes him time to get ready. Hence, that’s why he’s always late.

This additional piece of information totally changed my thinking of him, and elevated my trust toward him greatly.

WAIT to ask yourself, “What Am I Telling (myself)?”

Closely related to “What Am I Thinking?” is the next question: “What Am I Telling (myself)?”

Our thinking (and judgment) of a person or a situation is often influenced by the story we tell ourselves based on limited observation.

Human beings can fall prey to “confirmation bias,” the “tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one’s preexisting beliefs or hypotheses while giving disproportionately less consideration to alternative possibilities.”[2]

Once we have a thought (or a judgment) about a person or a situation based on limited observation, the next step is often to string together selective information into a story that further confirms our biases. However, this story that we tell ourselves may be very different than what is really going on. This disconnection often contributes to the disconnection we experience in conversations.

Let’s use my example of the tardy member to illustrate further. After observing his tardiness at the beginning of the day, perhaps I might allow myself to view the rest of his actions through this lens.  I might focus on all the ways that he is “selfish” and “irresponsible” throughout the rest of the day as further confirmation of my judgment. This story that I tell myself drives a greater emotional distance between him and me, all without him even knowing it! This story – true or false — shapes and influences my thoughts and actions in further conversations.

“WAIT” is an invitation to pause and become aware of how my thinking and the stories I tell myself can influence connection or disconnection in my conversations.

WAIT to ask yourself, “What’s Alive In Them?”

Marie Miyashiro, the author of The Empathy Factor, adds this “WAIT” question in her training: “What’s Alive in Them?”[3]

In my experience as a coaching client, I am encouraged whenever a coach is able to notice the places in our conversation where I am especially alive, excited, and energized. During those times, my need to be heard is met in a positive and life-giving way. My connection and trust toward my coach increase as a result.

Sometimes, my coach might not even be correct in what she identifies as what’s alive in me. However, her attempt to imagine herself in my place gives me the courage and permission to become more honest and self-aware about myself.

Similarly, when we direct our focus and curiosity on what is uplifting and life-giving for our conversational partners, we offer them a precious gift and may build deeper trust as a result.

WAIT to ask yourself, “What Action Initiates Trust?”

The final “WAIT” question that I might add is “What Action Initiates Trust?”

The “actions” I’m thinking about doesn’t have to be big. Any action that seeks deeper understanding and clarification has the potential to build trust.

You can:

Request for more information. “Tell me more…”

Seek to understand. Ask: “Help me understand…”

Reflect back on what your conversational partner has said in your own words.

Seek permission to speak your thoughts or give advice. Be OK if permission is not granted.

Conclusion

We can build connection and trust in our conversations if we WAIT to ask ourselves these questions:

• Why Am I Talking?
• What Am I Thinking?
• What Am I Telling (myself)?
• What’s Alive In Them?
• What Action Initiates Trust?

Of course, these questions are not meant to be a checklist you bring to every conversation. In situations with high conflict, these questions may be very hard to answer.

However, an awareness of all the benefits of “waiting” will increase the likelihood of a deeper and life-giving connection and trust with our conversational partners.

What do you think?

What might you add, subtract, correct or nuance in this article?

I would love to hear your thoughts!

[1] Cited in Marie Miyashiro, The Empathy Factor (Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2011), pp. 97-98.

[2] Plous, Scott (1993). The Psychology of Judgment and Decision Making. p. 233.

[3] Marie Miyashiro, The Empathy Factor, p. 98.